oh, hey.

Holy guacamole! It’s been a while since I have been on here, or written. Most of that comes with my mood, other times it’s because I just can’t figure out how to put my thoughts into words. So here it all goes; here is what the last nine months of my life have been like.

But where to start? I guess I will start with me. I have evolved and transformed myself and my thoughts so much in the last year. I would like to say that I am happy about my one year mark of being in the gym and being active and working out. I absolutely love everything that the lifestyle has brought to me, my daughter and my health.

Back in August, I tore my shoulder up pretty bad. Up until now, my heart issues and seizures had subsided, I’m assuming because my body was nourished, and I was transforming into a healthy weight and being so active. Once my shoulder injury happened and I had to take time out of the gym, I found myself dwindling back down into my hole. I was struggling with my body image, and looking big and flat, with no muscle definition, the weight and the inability to go lift. I started back into the grind of not eating well (or at all) and my anxiety started to get the best of me. I developed an infection in my shoulder, and the heart issues and medical issues started back up again. I had a really hard time dealing with it all. Test’s being ran, going in and getting blood drawn and having spinal taps and ekgs, erg’s, ct and mdi scans. I just, I got to the point where I was done. I found myself back in a hole, scared with not having answers, and ultimately just giving up on myself.

Throughout this time, S came into my life. He tip-toed in right around my shoulder injury, and things evolved from there. Looking back at this now, he seemed to be more just a filler; he filled and gave me the attention that I wanted. He didn’t have answers, but he gave me comfort. Things were great for a while, although I had told myself I wasn’t getting into anything, I didn’t want anything, I wasn’t interested. But we all know how that goes. Above all, we truly did have a great friendship and when we were together, the time was great. I laughed and smiled and we would watch football and yeah. It was nice. But distance, lies and being taken advantage of ultimately screwed me to the ground.

S is a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend. I retract, he can be. He has the capabilities of being a great guy. But he’s not. He is selfish and immature, and very narcissistic. That’s all I am going to say about that, but it’s important because I really lost myself, trying to make him happy. And that’s not okay. I did everything I could to make him happy, and it’s impossible to do that for someone who doesn’t want it, or isn’t ready for it.

I lost a friend, and I don’t blame her for leaving. The last thing she said to me was this:
“It’s amazing that you’ll go to the end of the world, doing whatever you can to savor and appease a guy who doesn’t deserve you, yet you won’t fight to make our friendship of years work. I’m done Allie”

It hurt to hear that, but at this point, with EVERYTHING else that was going on, I felt like I was done fighting. I didn’t want to fight anymore, for anything. As now, I can see that I senselessly was fighting for S and I to work, but I didn’t feel that way. I am a loyal person. I give and give and give and make sure that everyone is happy, and do what I can to make them so. I didn’t feel like I was fighting for that, I felt like I was just giving. And with just that, I literally gave every ounce if my being to him, which left me with nothing. Nothing to give to anyone else, or myself.

So in the final month-ish of deciding to be done, it became easier and easier. But on the days that weren’t, it was hard as hell. I wouldn’t want to get up, or do anything. I still wasn’t cleared for the gym, I lost one of my best friends, my other girlfriends were tired of hearing about it. Well deserved I guess.

One day, a little over a month ago, I said screw it. I got my happy butt up and went to the gym. I lifted for two hours that day. And with that, I felt myself start coming back together. So many things have been happening lately, people coming in my life, people walking out, opportunities with my career, my faith in the man up stairs. Im happy.

I am happy where I am. I am loving myself again. I have days that I don’t like what I do, or say or look like. But I am proud of myself. I don’t have the interest of needing someone to depend on. I am proud to be rising above. If anything, S taught me to put myself first. Not selfishly, but my needs. I need to do things for me every once in a while, instead of doing everything for everyone else. I take pride and it makes me happy to make others happy, but I need to do me. And love me.

And I am.

I’ve figured out years ago that you can’t eat your problems away. You can’t starve them or drink them or anger them or fight them. You have to accept them, and resolve them. You put them on a path and you conquer your problems. That in itself gives me power and fight to keep moving forward.

And that’s exactly what I am doing.