oh, hey.

Holy guacamole! It’s been a while since I have been on here, or written. Most of that comes with my mood, other times it’s because I just can’t figure out how to put my thoughts into words. So here it all goes; here is what the last nine months of my life have been like.

But where to start? I guess I will start with me. I have evolved and transformed myself and my thoughts so much in the last year. I would like to say that I am happy about my one year mark of being in the gym and being active and working out. I absolutely love everything that the lifestyle has brought to me, my daughter and my health.

Back in August, I tore my shoulder up pretty bad. Up until now, my heart issues and seizures had subsided, I’m assuming because my body was nourished, and I was transforming into a healthy weight and being so active. Once my shoulder injury happened and I had to take time out of the gym, I found myself dwindling back down into my hole. I was struggling with my body image, and looking big and flat, with no muscle definition, the weight and the inability to go lift. I started back into the grind of not eating well (or at all) and my anxiety started to get the best of me. I developed an infection in my shoulder, and the heart issues and medical issues started back up again. I had a really hard time dealing with it all. Test’s being ran, going in and getting blood drawn and having spinal taps and ekgs, erg’s, ct and mdi scans. I just, I got to the point where I was done. I found myself back in a hole, scared with not having answers, and ultimately just giving up on myself.

Throughout this time, S came into my life. He tip-toed in right around my shoulder injury, and things evolved from there. Looking back at this now, he seemed to be more just a filler; he filled and gave me the attention that I wanted. He didn’t have answers, but he gave me comfort. Things were great for a while, although I had told myself I wasn’t getting into anything, I didn’t want anything, I wasn’t interested. But we all know how that goes. Above all, we truly did have a great friendship and when we were together, the time was great. I laughed and smiled and we would watch football and yeah. It was nice. But distance, lies and being taken advantage of ultimately screwed me to the ground.

S is a great guy, but a terrible boyfriend. I retract, he can be. He has the capabilities of being a great guy. But he’s not. He is selfish and immature, and very narcissistic. That’s all I am going to say about that, but it’s important because I really lost myself, trying to make him happy. And that’s not okay. I did everything I could to make him happy, and it’s impossible to do that for someone who doesn’t want it, or isn’t ready for it.

I lost a friend, and I don’t blame her for leaving. The last thing she said to me was this:
“It’s amazing that you’ll go to the end of the world, doing whatever you can to savor and appease a guy who doesn’t deserve you, yet you won’t fight to make our friendship of years work. I’m done Allie”

It hurt to hear that, but at this point, with EVERYTHING else that was going on, I felt like I was done fighting. I didn’t want to fight anymore, for anything. As now, I can see that I senselessly was fighting for S and I to work, but I didn’t feel that way. I am a loyal person. I give and give and give and make sure that everyone is happy, and do what I can to make them so. I didn’t feel like I was fighting for that, I felt like I was just giving. And with just that, I literally gave every ounce if my being to him, which left me with nothing. Nothing to give to anyone else, or myself.

So in the final month-ish of deciding to be done, it became easier and easier. But on the days that weren’t, it was hard as hell. I wouldn’t want to get up, or do anything. I still wasn’t cleared for the gym, I lost one of my best friends, my other girlfriends were tired of hearing about it. Well deserved I guess.

One day, a little over a month ago, I said screw it. I got my happy butt up and went to the gym. I lifted for two hours that day. And with that, I felt myself start coming back together. So many things have been happening lately, people coming in my life, people walking out, opportunities with my career, my faith in the man up stairs. Im happy.

I am happy where I am. I am loving myself again. I have days that I don’t like what I do, or say or look like. But I am proud of myself. I don’t have the interest of needing someone to depend on. I am proud to be rising above. If anything, S taught me to put myself first. Not selfishly, but my needs. I need to do things for me every once in a while, instead of doing everything for everyone else. I take pride and it makes me happy to make others happy, but I need to do me. And love me.

And I am.

I’ve figured out years ago that you can’t eat your problems away. You can’t starve them or drink them or anger them or fight them. You have to accept them, and resolve them. You put them on a path and you conquer your problems. That in itself gives me power and fight to keep moving forward.

And that’s exactly what I am doing.

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SkinnyLove♥

I have slacked TERRIBLY on here! My apologies.

However, due to some recent difficult times, this blog is brought to you in hopes to spread some awareness and insight on the battle of a girl trying to love who she is, her body and the struggles with eating disorders and self image.

I mean no negativity, and to be frank, I could really care less if you think I look like a twig or too little. As people who are overweight battle with their eating and health habits, I do too. This blog is to try and give you an insight, not a sob story.

SO here we go.

I hate my body. I don’t think I will ever be content with how I look; ever. I have my days and some days I am okay with it all. Others, well not so much.

A few years ago, I figured that if I just stop eating, and control my hunger, I shed pounds. So i did and it was to the extreme. It got out of hand, but I was OBSESSED with the fact that I was little. If i was hungry, I would allow myself lettuce, or water or tic tacos (crazy low in calories, but cured the hunger). Slowly it got to the point where I wasn’t even hungry. So if I did eat, I would get sick. I wouldn’t even purge myself, it just happened. Mainly because my body was not used to eating, let alone eating servings or plates full of food.

After some time, it obviously affected my health. I wasn’t healthy. Literally, I was losing hair, I was tired, my teeth were starting to break, I had no color to my skin. I was getting sick which has now chronically affected my GI and I now have no stomach lining and uncontrollable acid reflux. There are times it puts me in the hospital because it flares up so bad and nothing makes the acid go away. I will throw up blood, because my stomach and esophagus is so raw. It affects my colon, and my digestive tract. Its seemingly funny that when you choose to make this type of lifestyle you don’t think about the harm it causes to your body. But it’s understandable because the focus is on being skinny. Your life is revolved around the obsession of being little.

I never made the choice to do this because I didn’t feel good enough, or someone said I was fat. That shit happens all the time and it can easily be brushed off. I did it because my life was a spiral downward and it gave me control. I had control of what my body looked like. I could go buy a pair of size 14 kid shorts and in two weeks fit in them. It was never a concern of whether or not I looked pretty, or healthy. My concern was being skinny.

I know, ridiculous.

I don’t feel there is enough, whats the word- understanding? I don’t know. Awareness? I don’t think there is enough care in people to understand why people do this. The world will never 100% accept somebody for what they have. There will ALWAYS be an issue with something on someone. With everything that was happening in my life, I decided I needed control, and that gave it to me.

Now, here I am. 7 years later, and although it is a struggle, everyday, I look at myself and what I have gained (no pun intended) and I look at my daughter. What would I do with myself if she felt this way? If she wanted to just be little and skinny? I would overcome with guilt. I don’t want that for her. She is absolutely beautiful and perfect the way she is.

So here, after 12 weeks of being in the gym, learning to eat and eat correctly at that, working on myself, I am also teaching her the healthy way. I am teaching her self pride and positive self image. I want her to know she is beautiful and strong. (Trust me, it’s working). I don’t want her to think that its okay to be unhealthy and bony.

in the last two years my weight has fluctuated from 80 pounds to my max, which is where I am now. As I shockingly say I am proud to weigh what I do. I am proud of my progress. I fit in clothes I couldn’t fit in before. My clothes are too big. BUT I am healthy. I am toned. I have meat on my bones. I have a release.

Working out gives me control too. I am in control of my diet. I am in control of my gain. I am in control.

 

I don’t feel or at least see enough support for people like me. People don’t understand the battle of body dismorphia or anorexia. I have to force myself to eat. I have to learn that what I see in the mirror is not what I truly am. And everyday, I continue to grow stronger to do so. Healthy is okay. Weighing 140 pounds is okay.

It’s okay because I am healthy. Its okay because I’m happy. I am learning.

 

My lowest around 90 pounds.

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THis picture above, I would say I was about 100 pounds. I see two different things when I look at this. I see my legs, wishing they were smaller, but the other part of me sees skinny. Bones out way too skinny.

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This picture was about three years ago, and I wasn’t eating at this point. Either the week before or week after this picture, I remember I fell and passed out in target.

THis picture below is the recent of all, going back to two years ago. Here I see my legs being too big and the belly fat hanging over the jeans. I know, you probably don’t see it. How could you, theres not a lot of it. BUt i do. And thats what I would focus on,

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New Years 2012

 

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And here I am today. After 12 weeks of being in the gym, this is just the start to my new healthy lifestyle.

 

I am so proud to be me.